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About Varied / Hobbyist Member RENUnited States Groups :iconjennerxbrisby: JennerxBrisby
~Your Humble Servant~
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sinner. by Senju-HiMe

Who are you, beautiful sinner? Lips red as the rose, Skin pale as the moonlight, And eyes as blue as winter, As cool as ice. You deciev...

048. Jenner by Christopher-Manuel

You lived a life of freedom and joy, But then that was all taken away, By man's hand. He used you, Abused you! Yet the animal in you on...

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I fixed the scenes with Jenner and Elizabeth in Chapters 45-51 because Drew47AT said he was too violent towards her and other stuff. I fixed them, then send a note to him, hoping I've met up to his approval. Sadly, he still wasn't impressed. Idk about you guys, but read what he replied back to me.

Well, I’ve checked, but I’m not impressed.

Sorry. But the whole story has lost its appeal. Too much sex, too confusing, too much going on to take in. I feel that the problem is not too little conflict, its too much. You’re focusing too much on dialogue and not enough action. I’m not really get the sense of resolution at the end I’m supposed to feel. That’s the way I see it.

One thing that bugs me is if the Stone could resurrect Sullivan, Nicodemus, and Jenner, why not Johnathan? Why not have the Stone grant Mrs. Brisby powers beyond her understanding? Maybe she wouldn’t have needed to have it with her at all times.

Also, I may have read this wrong, but Jenner getting his army from NIMH? I mean, seriously? Why would Jenner go to the place that he meant to escape from. Yes, he is driven by revenge. But if the scientists could not retrieve the rats, then they would shut down their projects on whatever they were doing until the rats were recovered or destroyed. See what I’m getting at?

I kinda felt that the children’s aging didn’t really make much sense; if they were at fourteen by the time of this story, then Mrs. Brisby should have died by then because she is an ordinary mouse living only up to less than a year to two years if she was lucky.

Your sentence, paragraph, and emotional style overall isn’t really going to be publishing material per se. I would, however, like to provide with some guides on how to write your stories a bit better in the future.

If I were to rewrite your story—this different from the one I’m working on now—maybe one of the scientists would have discovered the bodies of the three dead rats, brought them back, and try to recover the serum in their bodies. However, in the process, something happens that brings Jenner back from the dead and he disappears from the lab.

At first, the scientists are completely shocked at what has just happened. When they review the security footage, they call government officials about it who then send agents out to locate the rat, terminate it, then find the other rats and destroy them.

Mrs. Brisby, meanwhile, is beginning to feel troubled as she has had strange dreams of her husband either berating her on forsaking their marriage for Justin or begging her to find him. She also plagued by strange events such floating objects at random, little time seems to pass when she travels from one place to another, her senses are enhanced, and she experiences lessened fear when confronted with dangerous situations.

Soon, she begins to see Mr. Ages about it, though she comes to only for reading lessons that she whizzes by with little effort. When Ages notices it, he starts to question her about it, but she reveals very little to nothing. Ages and Mrs. Brisby’s children grow concerned for her at this point.

Elsewhere, Johnathan is recuperating from his injuries in a strange village of mice. Johnathan is initially suspicious about them, but eventually grows to trust them. He plans on returning to his family, but the elders advise him not to for they have forseen the return of NIMH’s agents and their efforts to eliminate them once and for all.

One night, Mrs. Brisby has a dream about her and her family fighting men from NIMH, but they are losing, even with the help of the Rats of NIMH. Then she sees Johnathan stepping in with the Stone and destroying the men via electrical shock (like in Raiders of the Lost Ark if you have seen it).

What happens next I’m kinda of fuzzy on, but that would be my premise for the proper sequel.

I'm not happy about this. As I'm sitting on my bed with my notebook in front of me, I keep thinking over what he said. Is he right? What about the topic of Justin & Elizabeth's romance? Memory627 is one of the only people I know who like the story, but what about others? I don't want to say it but I'm having doubts now.
Am I not cut out for this?
  • Mood: Not Impressed
  • Listening to: Nothing
  • Reading: Nothing
  • Watching: Nothing
  • Playing: nothing
  • Eating: nothing
  • Drinking: vanilla latte, water

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Stitchpunk89
REN
Artist | Hobbyist | Varied
United States
Hey! My name is REN, at least that's the pen name I go by. I have a real name, but I'd prefer to be called Ren or Rena (at least for the time being, it's only 4 months until I am a legal adult. (Yay!!! :nuu:) I love my friends and sharing my artistic talents with everyone and I hope to make more friends and explore more of life along the way!). I'm a teenage rebel whom lives in a small, cold town with crazy weather (long story short.) I love to draw and write, I love anime and romance! Unfortunate to say, until I have enough money to move out, I will be going to a community college to study medical assisting for a job as well as my interests so I can become a great well known children's/teens author and actress (and hopefully attend my dream college; The American Academy of Dramatic Arts in LA, California.) (I'm seriously thinking I want to move to Austin, TX where the weather's fuckin' wicked and live there.) I'm a creative and artistic yet headstrong cookie with determination in shooting for the stars and someday (not only living the life celebrities do) but living a happy life with a sweet, outgoing and intelligent husband and maybe one or three or even five (adopted) kids. :) (I know! As crazy as it sounds, I'm willing to risk it all and take flight for that second star to the right.)
So far, my sequel to "The Secret of NIMH" (1982) is considered a masterpiece and I hope someday to remake the Rats of NIMH and make my sequel into a movie (if I ever do work with animation.)

Best Friends; :iconanarchygunrage:, :iconmemory627:, :iconbaren777:
Favorite People; :iconkatethegreat19:

Favourite genre of music: Gothic rock, alternative
Favourite style of art: Anime, traditional handdrawn art, cgi
Personal Quote: A sexy and dangerous villain is always rated R.
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:iconzwirrlicht:
Zwirrlicht 4 hours ago  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Thank you so much for the :iconfav3dplz:! :D
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:iconkurotora13:
thanks for the fave, greatly appreciated!
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:icontrendylina1994:
trendylina1994 Apr 16, 2014  Student Digital Artist
Thank you for the fave!!
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:iconmemory627:
Memory627 Apr 15, 2014  Professional Writer
Thanks for the fav! =D
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Squisherific Apr 13, 2014  Hobbyist Artisan Crafter
Thanks for the fav! :heart:
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Apeanutbutterfiend Apr 11, 2014  Student General Artist
thanks for the fave!!
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:icontashaakatachi:
Thanks for faving my army of Steins :D
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:iconsniperplushie:
Thanks for faving!
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:iconshonalikapoor:
ShonaliKapoor Apr 6, 2014  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
:iconthanxforfavplz: on Franken~ :iconsteinspinplz:
Hope you like my other Pic's on him too~
Have a nice day~w00t!
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:iconambrosia075:
Ambrosia075 Mar 31, 2014  Hobbyist Artist
Thanks for the fave!
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